Two days ago, my world came crashing down. Before that day, things actually seemed to be looking up, as evidenced by some of the more positive posts on my blog. Then, someone close to me broke my trust…and once again, I'm paralyzed.
As much as I realize that writing this blog puts me (and my disorders) right out in the open for anyone to see, I still sometimes find it difficult to be totally open and honest about what I’m dealing with when it comes to people I know. It's probably just because of a lack of self-esteem and an intense fear of judgment and rejection, but knowing that doesn't make it any better. And I'm not talking about close friends...they mostly all know by now. But then there are those people who I kinda know but not really, and especially those who are closer to my better half than to me (I am truly terrified of receiving judgment from those people). See, those are the people that I believe would be like "Whoa, what is wrong with your girlfriend? You'd better pack your bags and run before it's too late, mister!" I probably think like this because I believe that I am a burden to everyone (including and especially my better half), but still...just the thought of it shakes me to the core.
So, a few days ago, I learned that my guy shared one of my disorders (specifically my depression) with another one of his friends...despite the fact that we had previously talked about whether or not we were ready to tell more people, and had decided at that time to hold off for a while. Nonetheless, it seems my guy thought that his needs (to share my disorders with absolutely everyone he knows) outweighed my needs (to move more slowly, gradually telling a few people at a time, so that I still felt comfortable with the process.) As a result, he's been knocked waaaaay down on the trust ladder (trust is a huge thing for me...probably the most important.)
I'm not so much upset at the fact that this new person now knows what we're dealing with. Rather, from my standpoint, if my guy and I talked about something, and we had an understanding…and then he just did what he wanted anyways without any regard for my feelings, then he must not respect me, right? So now I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I’m once again unable to function. I realize that he has a need to speak out as well, but already more than half the people in our circle of the “fully-informed” are his friends and family. Seems that’s not good enough. Come to think of it, it seems like nothing I do is good enough these days. So, why bother?
This is the second day in a row now where I can barely drag myself out of bed. I don’t cry all that much, but I find it difficult to find the energy to move. Even getting a glass of water seems like a lot of effort. So, I’m going to bury myself in the only things I can think of to get me to stop thinking, even if just for a little while; reading books that chronicle other people’s experiences with depression, and knitting. Oh, and regularly applying Polysporin on my two-day-old self-inflicted wound.
Hello Knittin' Girl!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your comment on my blog, and thank you for reading!
As regards to this one, I completely understand you. For me too, trust is one of the most important things, and sadly, I must agree with you on what your guy has done.
I suppose I don't have that problem because I live on my own and have almost no friends, but I get it sometimes with my family.
It is so important that everything is done in your time, since depression is such a huge thing.
My heart is with you, and as you, I will keep reading!
Good luck flower!
S - Here's the thing.. As much as you may have had an agreement on who to talk to, your guy needs about as much help and support as you do to get through this. Sometimes, he can't be the rock.. Sometimes he may have to lean on someone new. If he made the decision to talk to a friend outside the circle, he likely did it at the moment of the conversation without realising he was doing anything wrong. He has been your biggest supporter in all of this... a pillar of strength if you will.... I think you need to cut him some slack because he still is "your guardian angel".
ReplyDeleteWhat you're going through (both of you) is really really tough.. so pick your moments and accept that sometimes he may also need a little "help and support". Nobody's perfect.
Hi. I just started blogging and following blogs. I appreciate your words so much because I hear myself in them.
ReplyDeleteI was in denial about my depression for a long time and when I finally began to accept it, I was desperate to keep it from nearly everyone. For a long time I told only my Rabbi and two closest friends. Eventually I had to tell my parents. They knew that I was telling them on the condition that they would not tell the rest of my family as I proved my need for privacy by keeping them in the dark for so long. And then when I was away for the weekend, my mother told my entire family everything. Not just, she's depressed, try to be patient... but "her Rabbi said it was see a psychiatrist or he would call 911." The full juicy details.
Trust is huge and so hard to find.
I can understand where you feel betrayed. I totally would too. I felt like I was giving up a bad secret when I told my last boyfriend about my depression. I would have been sick if I found out he told other people.
ReplyDeleteMost people who know me know about my situation and I am not sure I could expect them to not talk about me. Especially my family.
Reading helps me because it pulls me out of my reality and into another reality for a while. Like a mini vacation.
I have been slacking on the knitting and that has to stop.
Hi Knittin' Girl, thanks for coming by and posting on my blog.
ReplyDeleteAs Kindred Spirit noted above, trust is indeed hard to find. The same as you, I have a lot of issues with trust as well. I basically feel that people can't really be trusted most of the time. People will do the best they can, but often, this is not good enough, not what is needed.
But we can't do anything about it. People can only do what they can do, and we can't control them. We can say our feelings, we can communicate honestly and try our best to get them to understand us and our needs. But at the end of the day, they are going to do what they want.
As far as I can see, the only solution is to get used to it as much as we can. People are not ultimately reliable, and if we expect them to be, we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed.