I must have found a moment of strength when I started this blog, that allowed me to accept that it meant opening myself up to criticism. What I didn't expect was to end up feeling more hurt than I have felt in a long, long time. Yet somehow I have wound up back in the darkness, no longer writing, because I am paralyzed by a fear of being judged, and ultimately rejected. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was...
So, let's just call this what it is: another example of me trying something new and failing.
I wish everyone the best...
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ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI have BPD, and I can feel your pain. And I can feel your disappointment. I went through something similar lately. I know that for me, I like to see the good in people, because it's all I want in return. Ironically, I can't seem to believe in the good in myself. Either way, I am constantly looking for that good person, the person who will be compassionate towards me like I am to them. And we open ourselves, we try to help others and give what we are searching for (acceptance, understanding, compassion) only to be hurt. Over and over again.
I could say keep your chin up. But I know how infuriating that is. What I'll say instead is something that I try to think about when I feel like I'm failing...
So, with BPD we have a tendency to think in "black and white". For me this means that I cannot mess up without thinking that I am a failure as a person. What I try to remind myself is that I can fail and not be a failure. I can make a bad decision and not be a bad person. I don't BELIEVE this yet (personality disorder makes it kind of hard...) but just reminding myself of it is a step in the right direction. At least I know it's true...the next step is somehow believing it.
Another thing that I'm learning is to say FUCK YOU to people. I don't have time for ignorance. That's why I'm here, looking for blogs like yours...to connect with people who are trying to heal and trying to spread awareness.
Please don't stop writing.
xoxo