Is this a joke?

Yesterday was supposed to be my second interview to take part in a dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) study for people with BPD. Unfortunately, that interview never took place. A few hours before I was scheduled to be at the hospital, I received the dreaded appointment cancellation call...the clinician who I was supposed to be meeting with called in sick, and we would have to delay my interview until...get this...March 22. I was crushed.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me (clearly) and that things like this happen all the time, but one of the characteristics of people with BPD is that we don't do well with changes in plans. We typically have such unstable emotions, and such an intense fear of being abandoned, that canceling on us (especially when it’s something we were counting on) is a really, really bad idea. In my mind, all I could think was "But...you know I have BPD! You know I won't be able to deal with this! What the heck am I supposed to do in the meantime? Why won't you help me? Why won't ANYONE help me???" (That last thought of course was being fueled by my last 2 attempts at finding a psychotherapist...only to be disappointed and turned away because of my diagnosis.) So that's what was going on in my head...on the outside, however, all I could do was cry.

Thankfully, the deep dark cloud of depression I’ve been under for the past 5 months seems to have lifted somewhat in the past few days. It could be the Zoloft kicking in, it could be all the positive energy being sent my way, it could be the fact that I am finally sleeping a bit better (though still nowhere near normally) now that I am off Cipralex...but I think, in all likelihood, it’s a combination of all 3. Who knows...it could also have to do with the fact that I am sick and tired of being turned away by those I am looking to for professional help, and am somewhere deep inside of me finding the strength to say "You won't help me? Then forget you. I'm going to do it myself."

So, yesterday I did what I always do when I feel totally and utterly lost…I bought books that deal with the same issues I am dealing with, in hopes of finally finding some answers. My 2 newest additions, which will hopefully arrive in the mail later this week, are:

·         Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder – by Marsha Linehan

·         Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialetical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control – by Scott Spradlin

This should give me plenty of “homework” for the upcoming weekend, and maybe, just maybe, some new tools to try out. I still think it's such a shame that we often seem to be left to our own devices to treat ourselves (which of course I interpret as being abandoned), but if that's what it is, then so be it. On with treatment.