Power in Numbers

For the first number of months after my depression really started to take hold, I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. Part of that probably had to do with the idea that if I spoke about it, it would actually be true. But the other, more important part was a paralyzing fear of being judged, and ultimately rejected for being unable to control my negative thoughts (translation: I am weak. A stronger person would be able to talk themselves out of it). The thing is, by bottling up and trying (rather unsuccessfully at times) to pretend like everything was “fine”, I was letting myself get caught up in the stigma…the thing I am trying to fight against the most. So, I spoke out. First to one close friend, then to 3 or 4 more, and finally to family. You know what I found? I wasn’t being rejected at all! Rather, people were opening their arms to me, letting me know they cared, and sending me positive energy. Imagine that…

So, that got me thinking about what would happen if I started telling more people. Not a blanket free-for-all where every acquaintance or colleague knows what I’ve been dealing with, but rather a strategic, gradual expansion of my support circle. At first, that sounded terrifying. Ok, not only at first…my heart was racing and my stomach was in knots even as I started work on setting up a facebook group to invite more people into my world. But then, one day last week, the group was finally created, and my message had been sent. There was nothing I could do to take it back. (My first thoughts: Omg, what have I done? Everyone is going to read this, see how weak I am, and not want to have anything to do with me anymore.) But in the end, creating that group was the best thing I could have done.

People can surprise you…they surprise me all the time. The amount of support I have received so far in the few short days of the group's existence has been incredible. I believe there is something truly special about a group of people sending you positive energy with a common idea in mind. Believe it or not, I can actually, physically FEEL the energy and the love that is being sent my way…and it warms my heart…and calms my mind.

I think that might actually be the purpose (or at least one of many) of organized religion: to congregate and focus the group’s thoughts, beliefs and energies on a common idea. If it worked for religion for so many years, why not apply it to our own daily lives, using our own congregation as the source of energy?

Everyone should have someone, or several people, who tells them on a regular basis that these negative and hopeless feelings won’t last forever, and that they will, eventually, feel better…and to keep telling them this even when the depressed person refuses to listen. I am lucky enough to have that person here to tell me that every day. Still, growing my support circle (with much encouragement and support from my sane half) seems to have added momentum to this roller coaster ride…and for the first time in what feels like a very, very, VERY long time, I think I am starting to see a tiny speck of light at the end of this tunnel.